Parenting in the Background
My 8 year old daughter wanted to make cookies all by herself today. She had a vision for making giant “monster” cookies, with hand-selected ingredients. At first, I was going to just let her run amok in our pantry, but when she mentioned that she actually wanted the cookie to be edible, I thought I would try to gently and subtly oversee her activities. I started by helping her get out the ingredients. She knew the basics - sugar, flour, baking soda, eggs. If she was missing something, like the vanilla or the butter, I would just hold it out and say “What about this? Do you think we need it?”
“Oh yes!” She would respond, excitedly.
When it came to measurements, again, I was prepared for her to dump as much sugar as humanly possible while adding in just a pinch of flour. But to my surprise, she wanted my input on this. “Does this look right?” she would ask.
My responses varied between, “I think so,” or “possibly a little more,” or “what do you think?”
I did my best to make sure she continued to feel in control. When we were finally finished adding, mixing, and shaping, we stuck the monster cookies in the oven and she declared, “I can’t believe I just made those cookies all on my own!”
Success, I thought.
I think this is a great example of how we can help our kids build their sense of competence, which ultimately leads to increased confidence. If I had rushed in at every decision with my opinion about what she needed to do, then she would not have had the sense that the accomplishment was purely hers to own. It doesn’t matter that I was there to keep her on track. The whole event was about her. It was her vision, her actions, and her outcome. I was just there to cheer her on.
Please don’t mistake my words for parenting hubris. Had my daughter suggested this activity on any other day of the week I would most likely have refused her (no energy to clean up the mess) or not had the patience to take a back seat (rushing her along or barking orders.) This happened to fall on a weekend and I had done all of my adulting the day before. I was relaxed, and not on anyone else’s schedule. This helped me be in a place where I could set the stage to follow along rather than be in the driver’s seat. I have to pause and wonder how many opportunities like this I end up missing throughout the week when I am so committed to other things like my calendar, my grocery list, and vision for the way things “should be going.” I will continue to reflect on this…
If I were going to try to re-create this “recipe” of parenting in the hopes to promote more competence and confidence in my kids, I would remind myself of these ingredients:
Listen. I mean really listen. I don’t know how many times a day my kids ask me if they can do something. If it is a known activity in our household (i.e. jump on the trampoline, play a video game, take the dogs for a walk) then it is much easier for me to say yes. If the activity is something we have not tried yet, I feel much more inclined to say no. When my daughter initially said “I want to make cookies by myself,” my rational and semi-anxious brain heard, “I want to make a mess in the kitchen that you are going to have to clean up, and I’m going to waste food.” In order to create space for the experience she wanted, I really had to listen to what she was asking, set my own reactions aside, and think through how we could make it happen in a way that I felt *somewhat* comfortable with. In some cases, negotiation is required.
Timing is everything. As I mentioned earlier, it is important for me to pick a time when I am in a good head space. For me, that’s when I’m relaxed and don’t have a bunch of to-do’s that I’m trying to accomplish.
Don’t be attached to the outcome. Allow room for mistakes, knowing that they are a likely outcome. If my daughter had ended up creating a cookie that tasted like barf and skittles I would have done my best to laugh with her and say “Oh well! It was worth the try!” She might have felt some disappointment, which would be okay to acknowledge as well.
My ego is not welcome. When she declared that she had done everything all on her own, I reacted with statements in my head like - “are you kidding? I basically helped you with everything!” But if I had expressed those out loud, who would that have served? She needed the sense of competence way more than I needed the accolades. I would much rather celebrate her success with her!
Make gentle suggestions that sound like open-ended questions. This felt like being a stagehand at a play. I would run around, making sure the scenery and lighting were just right, so that the actor could focus entirely on the performance. I tried my best to not make definitive statements about anything - sharing my ideas but in a tone of curiosity rather than certainty.
Always choose connection. This activity was a great reminder that when I’m not sure what my next move as a parent should/could/would be, my guiding question to myself is, “What will build the most connection?” Start there.
A future challenge to myself is to see how I can apply these ingredients to other areas in my kids’ lives, perhaps things that are harder for me to hold loosely. The grades they get. The clothes they wear. The sports they play. The list goes on….
For today, I’m going to celebrate the small, but important, victory of seeing my daughter as a fun, adventurous, creative individual rather than just a responsibility or someone to “manage.” I will celebrate her sense of wonder and go to bed tonight watching her smile on the backs of my eyelids.
Now if only I could build up her sense of competence in doing the dishes…..