Strategies for Navigating School Avoidance in Middle and High School Students by Laura Mundy
Let’s face it, school is hard. The pressure to succeed, navigating social landscapes that are less than forgiving, trying not to let on that you don’t know how to do last night’s math homework… There are a lot of reasons why a kid might decide that they just don’t want to go. What happens when this moves beyond complaining, or just having a few bad days here and there? Here is a school counselor’s guide to collaborating with your child and their support team to help them feel more comfortable in the school environment.
This will be a process. As parents we know that there are real consequences to avoiding school such as truancies, failing grades, having to take summer school classes, and ultimately, dropping out. We might feel pressure to rush our students back into the school building, and legally we are responsible for having them there if they are under 16, but do your best to withhold the sense of urgency from your student. It is best for them to return to school as soon as possible (the more days they miss, the harder it will be to go back) but take time to listen to their concerns and their reasons for not wanting to go. You will have to build a foundation of trust in the parent-child relationship before your student will accept your actions as encouragement rather than coercion.
Understand the triggers. At the basis of school avoidance, is anxiety. Sometimes, a student cannot identify the reasons they feel anxious at school, and that’s OK. But it is important to attempt to have a dialogue about their day, down to the smallest detail - who do they see in the hall between 2nd and 3rd period? What is their favorite class? Which teacher do they trust the most? Where do they go when they have a panic attack? Who do they tell? Not all kids are open to talking about their day like this, but asking them questions and really taking time and space to listen will perhaps provide some insights as to what might be contributing to their anxious feelings. It will also help your child to realize that your main goal is to help them to feel comfortable at school, rather than just make them go to school.
Explore the idea of therapy. In order to work through anxious feelings and develop relaxation strategies for when your child is feeling stressed, seeing a counselor can be a tremendous help. It also might be a great idea for you, the parent, to see your own counselor. Often when we feel “trapped” at odds with our child, we become blind to how we might be contributing to the lock step. Seeing your own counselor can help you process your own emotions outside of the parent-child relationship, and slow things down so they don’t seem so impossible or urgent.
Involve the school team. Reach out to your child’s school counselor, psychologist, nurse, or administrator, or a teacher that your child trusts. If other people are involved, they can offer solutions that are specific to the school. For instance, as a school counselor I would tell parents that if the student didn’t feel like they could walk into class first thing in the morning, perhaps they could just make it to my office, and we would work on building to the next step from there. Often, there are all kinds of options and solutions that can be worked out. Here are some questions to ask your child’s team:
Who can be their “go-to” point person? Can a parent email/call this person if their child is feeling avoidant that day?
Where can the child go if they start the day at school but then get anxious and want to go home?
What are the attendance policies and is the school willing to be flexible? I.e. would it be possible for a student to attend half-days until they can work up to full days?
Can the student’s schedule be adjusted, i.e. start school later in the day to help work through difficult mornings without penalty?
Is there a teacher the student could eat with at lunch or be a Teacher’s Aide to help build school connections?
5. Understand the worse-case scenarios. What if your child fails a class because of absences? What if they are marked truant? In some cases, it is helpful to let the natural consequences occur. Perhaps your child will learn that if they skip a class enough to fail it and then have to re-do it in the summer, it might not be worth it to avoid in the first place. A failing grade is not a death sentence. Most of the time it can be recovered. Again, work with your child’s team to make sure they are staying on track towards graduation and understand how students can recover credit from failed classes. Even if your child is not currently failing, it might help you as the parent to understand all of the consequences so that you know how hard to push your child (or not) towards attendance.
6. Offer a limited number of “life-lines” to your child. For instance, if a child goes to school, they can choose a determined number (perhaps one or two days) where they can call you and you will come get them - no questions asked. But DO NOT exceed your agreement. If they call you a third time in a week and your agreement is two, tell them that they need to go see the school counselor (or nurse/psychologist/admin) first and work out a plan to finish out the rest of the day. Expect that there will be some uncomfortable situations and tears. As a parent, this sucks, but if you are working with your school team you will have to trust that someone will be there to help your child. Also, you must trust in your child’s ability to work this out for themselves. If your child has you and a team of people who believe in them and believe in their capability of staying at school, hopefully they will also learn to believe in themselves.
8. Explore other solutions, such as online learning, if that is an option for your family. Depending on the severity of the child’s anxiety, the environmental factors triggering the anxiety (i.e. continuous bullying) or the options within your school district, it might be an option for your child to move to a different school, or attend school online. However, explore these options with caution. It has been my experience that sometimes avoiding anxiety by changing the environment can only prolong the overcoming of symptoms (i.e. symptoms exist in any environment if skills are not learned to manage them).
Again, all of these tips are best done with your child (not for them). Work together to come up with the plan that best fits your child and your family. By collaborating as a parent-child team, and by involving others such as the school team, a therapist, and/or a pediatrician, you can widen your net of support that will get you all through this difficult time.